So, not really in a good mood today, good depending on what you think is good - smiling and jolly, or contemplative and seriousness, or crazy and delusional, or any other category you have in which GOOD MOOD falls into. Nothing major though, just one too many thoughts contradicting each other, one trying to overshadow the other, and just too many to keep a count on...It's like a volcanic eruption - everything erupts at once, and within moments, destroys everything it comes in contact with. This whirlwind of thought process in your head and you don't know what to do with it, which to listen to, which to ignore and which to do away with. No, this is not frustration, neither an outburst, nor a complaint. I'd like to think of it as more of creating space for other ideals, that will also eventually end up as a disappointment - Yes, the HUMAN RACE is what I am talking about, and letting go of the misery - (I'd have used HATRED, but it's just a bit too strong, and it's not hatred, anyways) or how others have failed living up to the expectations or simply, haven't even thought twice about the simplest of matters and just moved on with the flow, just too shallow - that you held on for so long, it started poisoning you from the inside and the venom kept sucking the life out of you, and yet, you chose not to act upon it, rather just see it happen from a safe distance and then, move on with your ohh-soo-precious life and all of its mundane, unworthy moral values.

Circling lives around one single thing - relationships, work, money, power - whichever appeases your appetite for happiness, is just not a way to spend your life, at least as far as my knowledge extends up to. I am not trying to decide how you should lead your life. I neither have the knowledge, nor my fair share of experience - anything at all to let me be in a position from where I can judge you or ask more of you. But I think I am entitled to my opinion, and in my opinionated world, you are just a breed of those who will have lived and died in vain. And no, I am not asking you to go and change the world, haha, that would only make me a nincompoop in a land of not-that-brilliant-either society, and yes, I am generalizing the society as it is - selfish, conceited, self-invested, and immoral, so if you fall out of the society as it stands in my view, my apologies to you. Just try to make yourselves better, or the world around you a bit less infected. Contribute whatever you can, and contribution is not limited to monetary relief or goods. Limit the use of plastic bags, or walk to a place ten minutes away - these are the simplest of things everyone of us can do. Emphasize on Reuse and Recycle, yes, it is possible and beneficial. Change lives if its within your reach - feed a hungry, help teach a child, or just pass on any thing you learn on to others, for a small act of charity will go on a long way. Humanity is the only way towards pure satisfaction, and even if your attempt has no big visible impact, you will be making a difference, YES you will. Even I am not alarmed nor that motivated neither remotely capable of changing the world, but I do think about it and I am willing to work on it, towards motivating myself to "practice what you preach".

and then it SNOWED !!!

Just got done with my thanksgiving break... yup, goofed around the whole week and school starts tomorrow...even better, its FINALS... Woo-hooo, CRAP !!!... So, after procrastinating from the Friday it started to the Sunday its about to end, I finally started on my PILE of assignments that are due by the end of the semester......and were so since the beginning...how convenient... So, I just got done with this narrative analysis I had to do for my Intercultural Communication and Diversity class where I had to choose a small VIDEO thing - short movies, advertisements, series, anything... anything that has to do with cultural diversity..So, I chose this movie I had seen about food and hunger and decided to write my analysis on that short piece..here's the link..see it once...you'll know why -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=993rZrfLBjg

And yea, it's also SNOWING here today...not too excited, I wonder why... but yea, the chill outside does make me nostalgic about Kathmandu...not the snowing (It doesn't snow in KTM, sometimes it does)...but the chill outside kinda resembles to the atmosphere mornings in Kathmandu had.... and yea, the winter break's about to kick in too...5 weeks of nothingness, SWEET !!!...

Good news - finally done watching SCRUBS - yes, the whole eight seasons...and ninth one's just started on ABC...one thing I am certain of - Scrubs is one of the fewest things I'll fall in LOVE with....also watched SOLOIST today...good movie...

What else??? well, nothing really...it would be good to drink a cup of coffee in this chilly evening, but I don't do caffeine...:D...and no, hot chocolates just don't serve right these days...lets see what I end up with... and yea, a bunch of the guys from here are going back home in a week or so for the break...and from the sounds of it, they're gonna hit the streets of KTM hard this time around... enjoy, guys!!!

And about my finals, yea, seems like I'll land up with a 4.0, SMH..lets not dwell on how that happened...lol...anyhoo, might head out later tonight with some friends and see how Lake Charles looks covered in the whites...toodles !!!

And then, we sit and talk, AGAIN !!!

So, its thanksgiving..HAPPY THANKSGIVING (to all celebrating it)...you know, I don't think even a single person reads this(my blog)...besides the ones that know the link to it through who else but me(and yes, the number might very well end within the fingers on your hand)...but well, even if to keep myself in sync with myself and remind me of things I might no longer remember in days unseen, I'll do it...self-gratification, really??? So, I just spent the last 3 hours of my oh-so-precious time surfing through bloggers and their blogs(I have a shitload of assignments to get done by the end of the break, and here I am blogging... Sweetness all around)...And I found some good ones too, some really impressive.

And now, back to where it all started... So, last night, few of my friends and I were talking about life and all those philosophical entities associated to it, and I love talking about these stuffs... I love talking about life, and its shortcomings, about how deluded we are or how ignorant we are...how helpless we are and yet think of ourselves as being firm, in control, smart and intelligent and know-all... and yet, we continue our struggle, hoping that some day, we might finally find answers to our list of never-ending questions and unsatisfying solutions to those. I will not dwell upon whether or not we are doing the right thing - talking about life and contemplating about facts and figures and illusions and delusions till 5 in the morning... but I would like to think that those who haven't really had this conversation have missed out on some really good tit-bits, opportunities to question oneself and then seek an answer to it, all within a group of equally confused (I'd like to use retarded, but lets not be obvious...hey, we're not retards) beings who talk rationally and irrationally about how they perceive things, or what they think about something...and yes, it is worth the sleep to see them trying to convince themselves and other alike that they are right too, that I am right too....and just out of nothing, out of all this rowdiness, confusion, ignorance, shout-outs, seriousness with that over-paralyzing shade of raw understanding, comes out waves of melancholic thoughts and perceptions with subtle hints of gratitude and willingness and hope... While as helpless as we are to understand where we stand in life, it is equally motivating in the sense it fuels us to seek more, to want more and to understand more and finally, to learn more...and finally be able to understand if it was worth the pursuit or if it had all been in vain and utter foolishness.

But the only way to ever know its worth or its unworthiness is to walk that path, follow it to where it leads and eventually get to the other side and look back and then decide if it was all but fallacies, or just what we were looking for...till we, you and I, are able to do that, we shall never know...I know, the fear of being wrong at the end and knowing you wasted your life on something that wasn't even a remote possibility(which for you was TRUTH back then) might be crippling, and though it might seem scary and an arduous task beforehand, the end will never be in vain, for all you wanted was an answer, and not an alibi to support your claims, and so, you really won't be losing anything, besides may be a bit of disappointment for having had a wrong notion throughout...and yea, If you've never done it, you'll never know how it is and if you never do it, you will never know how it will fare out....you get to choose whether to live in the instant gratifying world(which is not at all wrong, for what you don't know don't hurt) or risk walking down a line where nothing is certain or promised, but that faintest of chances of you finding what you want is reasoning enough to fancy the risk, or not....you get to decide...meanwhile, we again sit and talk..AGAIN :D !!!

The Demons and the Light - What do I feed ???

So, been off of facebook and messenger for a while now...can't say I don't miss it...but I am getting used to not using it now... Needed a break from everything- yup, everything... Haven't been doing anything lately, nothing significant anyway. So, its kinda late and am half way through the night. Am super-excited about watching the whole SCRUBS yet again - yup, from the first episode, first season to the eighth(all the way)...and I hear the ninth is coming up soon..won't be the same, but something's better than nothing, huh... Having too much time to do nothing has allowed me to contemplate all the sides of things I never really bothered about, one being my life. I am now thinking of being serious about certain aspects of my life, for I figure its time I started learning and putting those lessons into practice. Its not a promise, but I shall try. And I really need to get out of this white-box I live in with a laptop in my lap...Haven't been going out(out as in out into the nature)... Time constraints, requirements and deadlines to meet...Its kinda exciting in an unusual way. So, what else is there ?... I have realized now that life treats you just the way you treat it back...Ohh yes, yesterday, a Buddhist monk came to my cultural diversity class and gave a lecture on Buddhism and what it is built around...Was an amazing hour-and-a-half... Learned a lot.. He was impressive. Loved how he talked about Karma, and attachments, and our pursuits and our goals, and about how the society today is. I am now at peace with myself, for things could always be better(we always want them to be better), but I now know that things could be way worse than how it is right now, and so I have to be grateful for all I have. I don't have anything to complain about, nothing to bug me... I just wish I could get rid of my cell-phone too... Don't want to use it, but have to... But I promise, the day the need for it goes away, its going right out of the window... As of now, let those ring-tones ring and those voice-mails pile up... I shall tend to them when I am free from my obligations... And reading Into the Wild again....its always a good read, especially when you want to detach from everything around you and let your mind wonder (I wish I could wander away too)). Helps you cope with the dramas around and refocus your mindset and offers a nice company in the lone-walk. I now head towards the dimming horizon as it prepares itself to hide in the screaming darkness. I shall see you when the light creaks in through the crack on the window and onto my forehead. Till then, enjoy the candles you've lit and sink into the ambiance.So long !!!

And its hard to say Good-Bye !!!

I just got done watching the Finale of Scrubs... and I have to admit, I don't want it to end..not just yet... Its been years since I followed it and I have seen it grow in front of me..I have grown with it..and now that it is about to end...it just shows me how short-lived everything we are associated to are... I may sound a bit dorky trying to relate myself to a TV show, but goodbyes have always been something I have been bad at...It is very hard for me to let go..Let go of things that I once thought were important...even if it were of no significance today...like all my grade 8 or 9 notes and books...or my stash of stickers and all the small kinder-surprise toys and figures...or the paper-cards I got when I was in grade 4 or 5... I just do not know how to end things...and yes, its never too god to live in the past too long..as for the future, it does not have to be scary..it can be whatever you want it to be (J.D. - Season 8 finale)..whatever I want it to be... and that the past does not hold me back.... but it is easier said than done.... I may not be the most emotional or expressive person you will see[I'd like to think I am not at all ;)]...But its just that times like these make me realize a sense of mortality everything around us has... I "But I love it when you read to me...and you can read me anything" - The book of Love, Peter Gabriel.... life is surreal and mortal..and there's no denying that...But that does not stop me or you from dreaming and hoping for things to happen like you want them to..and no, it does not always happen..that's life..deal with it...I am trying to...you should too... and well, we are still to young to figure out what we want from life, what we are expected to become... and that's why we all struggle...the aspirations and the desires are just too tempting to resist...Let me part with JD's last words on the show..."And who's to say this is not what happens...who's to say my fantasies won't come true...Just this ONCE !!! "... I can see the cloud opening up and I can feel my wings untie themselves... Yes, I shall fly one day... and who's to say it won't come true... Just this once !!!

Duality strikes !!!

Just one of those days when I really have nothing to do - no chores, no assignments, no readings - simply nothing to worry about. And when there's nothing to do, reality kicks in and you have time for yourself and solely yourself. Without any promises to keep, any deadlines to meet. Life now seems dual to me. I am confused about everything. Confused would not be the appropriate choice of words though, I just am not able to decide on what it is I am to do and what not to. What seems perfectly normal to me a second ago now seems like it is something I have never seen, something out-worldly. And it never fails to amaze me as to how everything changes in just a blink of an eye. My thoughts contradict each other so often, I helplessly watch it happen and just let it go for I know I have no control over them. I can control my mind, but you know how there are seven voices talking inside you at the same time and you just don't know which one is correct - like when you want to do something and then the voices inside you start speaking up about the good, the bad, the ugly, the ignored, the facts, the results, the consequences and the illusions we have about the very one thing. And none of those voices are clear enough to tell me what it is I need to do. They all try to out-do each other and keep throwing words at you, all at the same time and you just can't help but wonder if your sanity still prevails or has been shadowed by a cloud of craziness. Life it seems is playing a game with me and I won't deny, I have loved every little amazement life has offered - every scar it has made on me, every smile it has put on my face, every tear it has made me shed, every laughter it has made me echo, every memory it has stored in me, every moment it has let me see.

As you take your steps to leave,
I stand here, looking at you go
There is nothing I can do,
I don't want you anymore....

You turn your back on me
I am glad I can still see you.
Its strange this day had to come
I am thrilled to have had you....

All the dreams I saw were hollow
All you showed me were dreams,
a tear I shed, a smile struggles
as I take a stroll down the memory lane....

I no more dream of you
neither do I wish for you,
I no more see the light
as the darkness engulfs me....

I am now used to solidarity
I, now, head for wilderness,
for.....
calmness is too strong to withstand,
darkness is glowing,
silence too loud, and dreams too surreal....
truth coaxed me, faith betrayed me
I lived me....I fooled me....
Hopes no more drive me
Life I no more chase.
I know its easy to escape
death seems weak,so into it I stare.

There's just so much I want to do,
a little more I wish to see.....
And I am worried it'll never be,
I am afraid you'll never see !!!

And just as I am lost in this world I have created for myself, reality strikes me and I realize that all I see is only what I want it to be and has nothing to do with reality and that I must get back to living amongst the mortals, I am one too..and I would not have it any other way !!!

Burned one down !!!

So, there always comes a phase in someone's life when they want to desert everything and just disappear for a while... no cell, no internet, no messengers or face book... away from everything, just lost doing something for the sake of no one but only themselves... selfishness? not really..more of a personal choice... freewill that we talk about so much but fail to implement... you know you should try it... not disappearing, but exercising your freewill... my desires nowno longer exceed my capabilities.. I have an understanding now of what I want, not in terms of what I want from life or the society or an individual...but as in what I want right now... and because my numerous desires are contradicting to each other, I know it will be a while, a pretty long while, before I reach a conclusion... and I am in no rush to get there.. I just want to do nothing for a while... nothing as in NOTHING... not even think or breathe or see or wonder... I know its not possible...and may be it is only a figure of speech..but if its only possible in words, I'd like to do it in words alone...even if only in alphabets... I have always been amazed by people and their assurance of what they will do in the time unseen, future... as in how clear they are of what they want from time and life and everything in between... kudos to them for having everything figured out... someday, I might join you in your league too..but I am in no rush.. or I am not even inclined towards that now... all I want to do now is NOTHING... if only in terms of typos and thoughts... Yes, I want to succeed..and yes, I will... even if to the minimalist of possibilities, I shall foresee my existence... and like one guy said: "Success in not gained by an impulse...but by a pile of little things bead together to reach the destination"..and while you may already be five-steps ahead...I am content with my quest of little adventures and tiny dreams... dream on, for you shall achieve it one day... Yes, you will !!!